Saturday, 21 March 2009

"Joe Joe Laaa...

...why did he say he was on a boat?"

Cutest thing in the whole wide world? Yuki Chen.

Yuki likes to buy things that have absolutely no purpose other than cuteness. When I asked Joe (as seen above) what to get Yuki (also seen above...hence why I added the picture) for her birthday, his response was, "Something cute." Yes Joe, but what function should it have? "The less functional, the better." La.

Yuki is the instigator of La, that wonderful Cantonese word thrown in at the end of random sentences, vaguely similar to "eh?". But it's less of a question and unquestionably more adorable, specifically when it comes from Yuki. Yuki could make the word 'genitalia' sound adorable. In fact, she did.

Last night Kaare, Carly and I wanted to borrow a movie called Pirates (yes, that one) from Joe. We had spent most of the night watching art-house porn which, it turns out, is much more disturbing than you'd think and we were overwhelmed, so the hunt for regular porn began. Through a series of lazy events, we ended up at Joe and Yuki's apartment dressed only in sarongs. Well...Kaare wore a t-shirt and I wore some pants, but there definitely wasn't underwear involved. Carly was wearing all her clothes. She's more industrious.

Upon arrival, Kaare decided that he needed to share some wonderful youtube discoveries with Joe. One is called "I'm on a Boat" and is from those wonderful Lonely Island guys! Check it...

This video spawned the opening comment of my blog today.

The next video, called "Show Me Your Genitals" needed a bit of a definition. It was eventually defined as "that thing of Kaare's which is only seperated from your chair at this moment by a thin layer of fabric". I think she may have bleached the chair after we left.

Needless to say, we eventually forgot the porn there and went home to watch a Chinese movie involving a horse penis transplant, a Buddhist master and a flute. Yuki suggested the movie.

If you don't know Yuki, you need to. She's probably one of the coolest people I know.


Quote of the Day:

Actually not from Kaare for once. Amazing, no?

"I need to be less professional so I have time to get in more fights."


Saturday, 14 March 2009

Fashions With No Fashion

What's worse than speedos?

The collective fashion of the entire country of China.

Minus Shanghai, obviously. One pair of jeans in Shanghai is worth more than a pair of fake breasts anywhere else. You don't even want to know the price of fake breasts.

But other than that, the fashion of this country is beyond astounding. Take, for instance, Mickey Mouse. Yes, you read that right, Mickey Mouse. Now what's wrong with him? Jeeze, I dunno. Why don't you ask the 44-year old business woman over there who's wearing a pair of stilettos emblazoned with his visage? She doesn't see anything wrong with him. Neither does the Disney Store Lingerie Shop. No, I'm not joking. How happy would you be to strip a woman down only to find Goofy staring back at you?

Now, I'm not usually one for rhetorical questions, but I'm sure you've come to realize that this rant is full of them. It's the thing we like to call 'elicitation' in Wall Street English jargon. It basically means that we try to get people to think for themselves, partly because it helps them learn better and partly because we're lazy.

Now, isn't this what we tried to do by initiating a Vogue China, a Cosmopolitan China, a GQ China, a Flare China? Didn't we say, "Hey China, you seem to have organized yourself fairly well over the last ten years, I bet that you'll be able to come out with some amazing fashions if we just leave you to your own devices!"


Point in case, glasses with no glasses. Again, I'm not joking.

Now...wait a minute...can you hear it? What's that sound? Is that the sound of my soul screaming in defeat and shame? Why yes, yes it is.

Yup, that's me wearing glasses with no glass.

The look on my face is one of utter helplessness. If you can't beat them, join them and take pictures so that your children can later mock you. This is what we call "preparing for future generations".

Quote of the Day:

"Where else in the world can you combine white leather cowboy boots, stockings, fur-lined short shorts and a Mickey Mouse tube top and have that be acceptable?"

-- a text I received from Kaare

Friday, 13 March 2009


Of all the bloody useless things to waste my time on, do you want to know what I did today? I spent a solid twenty minutes staring at my Microsoft Excel spreadsheet trying to figure out how I could puzzle piece my info-boxes together to fit on one, printable and aesthetically pleasing page.

Twenty minutes of my life.

I need a career change.

Or sex.

Probably both.

Quote of the Day:

"He's got a soft muffin in there somewhere."
-- Kaare on Niklas's bird-muffin-horse name

Saturday, 28 February 2009

Fun With Adjectives

All of the following adjectives describe exactly two things. You may not want them to, but they do. Can you guess what it is?

(a prize to anyone who guesses correctly)

shark cartiledge
paper bag


Quote of the Day

"Sloppy is the most unisex word of the night...if that isn't quote of the day, I don't know what is."

-- Kaare

You Know What They Say...

...when it rains, the air conditioning breaks. Or some such other absurdity.

We're on the fast track to rainy season here in Guangzhou. Apart from literally months of rain, here's what this means for me:

1. I am about to spend a small fortune in umbrellas that will immediately be destroyed by hurricane force winds. If I don't buy them, the wind won't blow and I'll be soaked. This is China.

2. If the streets flood, I'll probably get cholera. There's no way that the Pearl River isn't swarming with at least eight different kinds of venereal diseases.

3. Humidity. Polluted humidity. My sheets are damp and dirty and not for any rewarding reason.

4. My brand new and highly magnificent camera is close to useless because it needs sunlight. My pictures tend to look like grey crap. Fortunately, God invented something called "Adobe Lightroom" which allows me to twiddle with my pictures post-developing. (This is what we call subliminal advertising.)

5. I have recently started to climb. That's right, after years spent at the CRUX and the crags, watching and supporting others, I've actually started to do it myself. And the climbing walls in Guangzhou are all outdoors. Guess what this means for me...

I would complain about the lack of blue sky lately, but it seems a bit redundant. I would complain about the lack of pollution filled orange sky, but I don't really miss it. I do miss sunlight though. And cheese, oh yes, cheese. I know that's not really applicable, but Lordy I miss cheese...(*insert gurgling sound*)

If I sound a tad bitter at the moment, it's because our air conditioning at work is broken. I have been covered in a fine layer of dampness all day. In fact, I've been moist all day. And I really hate that word...

Quote of the Day:

"There's nothing better than a screaming, scared Cantonese girl on a rope."

-- Kaare on Yuki climbing

Thursday, 1 January 2009

I ♥ Skort

(Some names have been changed to protect my coworkers.)

So there's this student we call Skort because that's what she wears; short skorts. Whether or not she realizes it, every man who looks at her immediately has an 'incident' involving his nether regions and thoughts of hers. She weighs about as much as my finger, has eyelashes that go forever and so far can barely pronounce "hello" correctly. (She's Unit 8 for those familiar with the Wall Street system). I should also mention that Wall Street is a private school for adults only; this story could have taken on a slightly disturbing tone without that little piece of info.

I guess I'll explain a little more about Wall Street to give the following story some context. All of the walls are made of glass. That's really all you need at this point.

The other day I was in the teachers room with Steve and Jesse. Our office is in direct sight of the Encounter rooms, an Encounter being a class of four or less students. We glance over to Jarrod's class and see our old pal Skort wearing what used to be a skort, but has magically morphed into a skirt. How did this transformation occur? Because she took the shortest pair of short shorts ever and cut out the crotch turning them into nothing but vagina. We could see straight up the ex-shorts and, for the life of us, could not look away. To make matters worse, her sweater said, in giant black lettering, "I ♥..." and the last word was blocked from view by the table.

Read: I ♥ Crotch

We were mesmerized. As more teachers joined us in the office (all male I might add) the atmosphere ranged from amazement to down right arousal.

Finally, the class ended and Jarrod came into the office with a look of utter helplessness on his face. He made a phew sound, shook his head and said, "That damn girl wouldn't stop speaking Chinese in class and it drove me nuts."

There were a few seconds of shameful silence in which the rest of us started to realize what pervs we were compared to Saint Jarrod when, under his breath, the good Saint muttered, "I thought I was going to have to spank her," and gone was any semblance of decency.

To top it all off, remember how we couldn't see what the last word on her shirt was? Guess what it said. No, you can't, it's too good...


No word of a lie.

Quote of the Day:

About Skort, obviously. Before the class had ended.

Seth: It's really just spelled out there, isn't it?
Steve: It's more like a diagram.
Angie: A flow chart, if you will.

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Kentucky Fried Christ

Shao Kao.
The bane of my existence.

The rough translation of "shao kao" would be "barbeque". A more direct translation would be, "what you eat when you're so drunk that you can't actually stand anymore and are definitely not going to remember having eaten the things you are throwing up the next day."

Shao kao tends to occur around 3am after a raucous night of cheap beer, kedamine and hookers. Well, maybe not the kedamine or hookers, but I'm sure you have a vivid and fairly accurate image now. It always sounds like a great idea...but I'm pretty sure our toilet is a suicide risk by the end of the night.

The plus side of shao kao is how cheap it is. Even with eight people eating, I've never seen a bill that was more than 100 kuai (about $18 Canadian). You can eat such magical things as whole roasted eggplant, oysters on the half shell, crucified chicken (yup, Jesus in chicken form), peppers stuffed with veggie goodness, vegetarian fried dumplings, hot pot and hand made donuts. Oh, and there's beer. And baijou. But let's not talk about baijou. That's a bone-chilling story for another day.

You see, shao kao isn't so much the beginning or end of psychosis, it's more like the fertilizer that helps it grow. For 50 kuai, I got to watch Dallas teabag Lucas. For those of you who are so far (and probably happily) unaware of what teabagging is, allow me to educate you: "to teabag" someone is to place your balls (the hairy kind) on someone else' face. Why would anyone in their right mind want to see or do that? The only answer that comes to mind is: Shao Kao. And considering the public nature of shao kao, being that you're sitting on the side of the road and all, I'd say that my 50 kuai was well spent.

In closing, anyone who decides to come visit us in China will definitely experience the combination of glory and horror that is shao kao. I'm almost certain that they won't remember the teabag incident...

Quote of the Day

Two friends of ours, Dallas and Joe, were discussing the possibility of Joe touring around Europe doing spoken word. Joe was fairly skeptical, claiming that he didn't have enough material to do something like that. However, Dallas was pretty convincing, arguing that Joe only needed 15 minutes worth of material. Joe's response?

"15 minutes!? I can't manage that outta my dick let alone my mouth!"


(We're about 99% certain that the previous statement is untrue. Wanted to mention that so no one makes any unfair assumptions about Joe.)